Category Archives: Red Wings

JUST WING’IN IT ABOUT THE OLYMPICS

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Contribution by P.Giannosa

Starting tonight, the 2014 Winter Olympics are set to take place in Sochi, Russia.  One of The Olympic’s major events is the Men’s Ice Hockey Tournament featuring twelve different countries  who will be competing for a Gold Medal.  The tournament will start  next Wednesday, February 12th and finish with the Gold Medal game being held on Sunday, February 23rd.

The Olympic Men’s Hockey tournament has been known to be intense and grueling, especially for Medal winning teams.  The players on these Olympic Medal winning teams play their heart out for their Countries and have been known to sometimes play up to seven games over an eleven day span.  Meanwhile, most NHL players are at home kicking back hanging out with their families, maybe doing a little shopping at Home Depot and Bed Bath & Beyond, that is if they have the time for it.

2010 Olympic Hockey  Tournament Run-Down

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For those who didn’t pay attention to the Men’s Hockey Tournament four years ago in Vancouver, Canada, I’m sorry you missed out. Here’s a quick run down, so you  can catch up.  Finland beat Slovakia for the Bronze Medal (I know blah, blah, blah who cares) and then those Crazy Hozers from the North, Team Canada unfortunately beat the U.S. to capture the Gold in overtime.

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The buzz during the entire tournament was that Team Canada was unstoppable because of their star-studded NHL roster.  The Russians were also heavily favored, by again having quite a few NHL stars suiting up for their respected squad.  Unfortunately for them, those Comies lost to Canada 7-3 in the Quarterfinals.  Then we have Team ‘MERICA., who wiped the floor with Finland beating them 6-1 in the Semis allowing them to advance to the Gold Medal game against Canada.

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The 2010 Gold Medal game was No Joke probably the best Hockey game that I have seen in the past four years.  It was a fast, gritty, and hard-fought game at both ends of the ice.  It was obvious that players were competing extremely hard wanting to Capture the Gold for their respected countries.  The game came down to the wire and then by a last-ditch effort from Zach Parise, he was able to tie up the game for the U.S.  with just 25 seconds left in regulation forcing the game into overtime.  Unfortunately, the U.S. ended up losing the close match to Canada thanks to “Detroit’s Most Loved Player to Hate” Cindy Crosby shooting one past goalie Ryan Miller.  All in all, the 2010 Men’s Ice Hockey Tournament was very successful  for both the NHL and the Olympics while in the international spotlight.  An old tradition that brings countries together by pitting the World’s most skilled players against each other competing for their countries and for hockey fans worldwide.

Men’s 2014 Hockey Olympic Preview

This Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia starts today with the opening ceremony being held tonight around 8pm.  The Men’s Hockey Tournament can be considered one of the main highlights of the Olympics,  many are hoping  for another fun and exciting hockey tournament that will go down as one of the best the Olympics has ever seen.  Expect early favorites (thanks to rosters stacked with the NHL’s best players) to win the Gold this year including teams Sweden, Russia, U.S.A., and Canada.   If interested in team breakdowns and the schedule of the 2014 Olympic Men’s Ice Hockey Tournament please continue reading.  Hopefully this is somewhat news for you and you can get some enjoyment out of it.

TOP 6 COMPETING TEAMS

RUSSIA

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Team Russia led by Captain and hometown hero”The Magic Man”  Pavel Datsyuk (that is if he’s healthy for it) are looking to make a splash in the tournament especially with having the home ice advantage.  A talented group of forwards including Datsyuk, Alexander Ovechkin, Ilya Kovalchulk, and Yevgeni Melkin, will look to score quickly and by a lot.  Having an early lead and handling the puck well in front of the 2013 Vezina Trophy winner as the NHL’s goalie of the year Sergie Bobrovski, will allow the team to play relaxed and smart helping them to advance to later rounds in the tournament.

SLOVAKIA

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To be completely honest this team might be the sleeper pick of the tourny.  Slovakia is composed of a defensive core headed by big man Zdeno Chara who is no stranger to the tough competitive international play.  Vetran Power Forward Marian Hossa will lead the scoring attack along with the skilled young guns from HockeyTown Tomas Jurco and Tomas Tatar.  Having talent at both ends of the ice will make it tough for teams to beat Slovakia.

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CANADA

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Team Canada the reigning Gold Medal Champs, once again built by Detroit’s most beloved sports star Steve Yzerman and coached by the Red Wing’s own Mike Babcock, Canada is ready to make another historic Olympic run on the international stage.  Captained by Sid the Kid, Canda has the most talented roster of all the teams competing and again have high expectations to win the Gold.  Team Canada will be sending another star-studded NHL line up to Sochi including Rick Nash,  Jonathan Toews, Claude Giroux, Shea Weber, Duncan Keith, Carey Price, and Robert Luongo. The team will be a tough opponent for all teams they face and they are confident that they can once again become Olympic Gold Medal Champions.

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FINLAND

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A team that has made its presence known as of late in the Olympic Hockey Tourny, Finland’s challengers will have a difficult time facing any of the three rostered goaltenders (especially if they get on fire) Kari Lehtonen, Antti Niemi, and Tuukka Rask.  Goaltending is the obvious key to this team however they still have a solid offense captained by Teemu Sleanne (competing in his sixth Olympics=Geezer) competing along side with former Wing Valtteri Filppula and Wild captain Miko Koivu.

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SWEDEN

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Team Sweden, another favorite to win the Gold,  will have a strong offensive attack that is supported by a great defensive core.  Sweden will be fun for us Detroit Hockey fans to watch and root for because the team is mostly consists of Red Wing players. Henrik Zetterberg, will captain and lead the exciting offense made up of NHL stars including Daniel Alfredsson, Nicklas Backstrom,  and by both Sedin brothers (Daniel and Henrik).  The notable Defense is composed of the skilled Nicklas Kronwall, big man Jonathan Ericsson, and former winner of the 2012 Norris Trophy as best defenseman of the year Ottawa Senator Erik Karlsson.  Not to mention former Vezina Trophy winner, Henrik Lundqvist will be their netminder adding a strong presence between the pipes that won’t make it easy for opposing goal scorers.

USA

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Last but not least, we have the gritty and speedy Team U.S.A.  The 2010 Gold Medal runner-up, Team ‘Merica will be hungry and ready to win this month in Sochi.  Being lead by captain Zach Parise and many returnees from 2010 Silver Medal lineup including teammate D-Man Ryan Suter, puck handling extraordinaire Patrick Kane, 2012 Stanley Cup Champ Dustin Brown,  Michigander Ryan Kesler, and former Mighican State Spartan goalie Ryan Miller.  Red Wing Jimmy Howard and King’s goalie Jonathan Quick will also challenge Miller for the coveted starting goaltending spot for the U.S., my guess is that Quick will win out and be our go-to goalie of choice. With high hopes in Sochi, team U.S.A. would again love to be that surprising underdog upsetting any team that comes in their path and win its first Gold Medal since the 1980 “Miracle on Ice”.

2014 Men’s Ice Hockey Olympic Grouping/Schedule

Below is the complete schedule of the tournament including the Medal games.

Group A

Russia
Slovakia
United States
Slovenia

Group B

Finland
Canada
Norway
Austria

Group C

Czech Republic
Sweden
Switzerland
Latvia

Feb. 12
12 PM ET Czech Republic vs. Sweden
12 PM ET Latvia vs. Switzerland

Feb. 13
3 AM ET Finland vs. Austria
7:30 AM ET Russia vs. Slovenia
7:30 AM ET Slovakia vs. USA
12 PM ET Canada vs. Norway

Feb. 14
3 AM ET Czech Republic vs. Latvia
7:30 AM ET Sweden vs. Switzerland
12 PM ET Norway vs. Finland
12 PM ET Canada vs. Austria

Feb 15
3 AM ET Slovakia vs. Slovenia
7:30 AM ET USA vs. Russia
12 PM ET Sweden vs. Latvia
12 PM ET Switzerland vs. Czech Republic

Feb 16
3 AM ET Austria vs. Norway
7:30 AM ET Russia vs. Slovakia
7:30 AM ET Slovenia vs. USA
12 PM ET Finland vs. Canada

Feb 18
3 AM ET Playoff qualifications
7:30 AM ET Playoff qualifications
12 PM ET Playoff qualifications
12 PM ET Playoff qualification

Feb 19
3 AM ET Quarterfinal
7:30 AM ET Quarterfinal
12 PM ET Quarterfinal
12 PM ET Quarterfinal

Feb 21
7 AM ET Semi Final
12 PM ET Semi Final

Feb 22
10 AM ET Bronze Medal Game

Feb 23
7 AM ET Gold Medal Game

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Just Wing’In It: Wings in Philly, Not Looking for Any Brotherly Love from the Flyers.

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After a successful five game home stand, the Red Wings head to Philadelphia to face the struggling Flyers.  The Wings finished up their five game home stretch by going 3-1-1, pushing them into the eighth spot with 57 points in the NHL’s Eastern Conference standings.  The  Flyers have lost four straight and are looking to avoid their fifth consecutive loss, which would be their longest losing streak in three years.

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It was nice to see some familiar faces wearing the red sweater over the past five games.  The depleted Red Wings welcomed the returns of some of their key players during the stretch, including: Johan Franzen, Darren Helm, Jonathan Ericsson, and Daniel Alfredsson.   Even  after gaining some of their key players back, the Wings are still missing the talents of Pavel Datsyuk (lower back injury), Henrik Zetterberg (re-aggravated lower back injury), and Jimmy Howard (sore knee). Howard is supposed to be back on the ice tonight in Philly, and hopes to help the club get their first win in “The City of Brotherly Love” since 1997.

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Despite a lackluster finish this past Sunday in Detroit (The Panthers somehow seem to have our number this year with three straight wins over us), The Wings look to bounce back and continue their fight to maintain a playoff spot.  Having  some players return to their roster should add some depth. Veteran leadership will hopefully lead to more consistent play .  This will not be an easy match-up for the Wings tonight in Philly.  The Flyers are in the same boat struggling to make the playoffs and are eager to snap their recent losing streak (Philly is only one point back from the Wings in the standings).  Overall, this should be an exciting game involving two teams looking to save face for their cities by desperately fighting for the last playoff spot in the East!

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Just Wing’In It: Wings Outlast Hawks in SO, Win 5-4.

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Contribution by P. Giannosa

Detroit and Chicago, two Midwest cities separated by less then 300 miles, have been known to be old rivals throughout the history of sports.  Over the years, these two historic sports towns have featured some great grudge matches between the Lions and Bears, Pistons and Bulls, Tigers and White Sox,  and of course the Red Wings and Black Hawks. Last night was another one of those great match-ups, with a back-and-forth victory for the Red Wings at Joe Louis Arena.

Surprisingly this was  Detroit’s 2nd Shootout win in three games,  The Wings were able to gain 2 points in the standings, and maintain a fighting chance to make the NHL Playoffs.  This was the first time the two teams have met each other since the 2013 Playoffs. Detroit was visibly eager to face their one time divisional opponent and put last year’s playoff collapse against the Hawks behind them.  Down 2-0 halfway through the 1st period, the Wings battled back to tie the game. Tats started things off by netting one, followed by a sweet top shelf goal by Patrick Eaves.  (Eaves goal, assisted by Justin Abdelkader, was the  #5 featured play on this morning’s ESPN’s Sport Center Top 10 Plays).

Still tied at the start of the second period, both teams came out skating hard looking to gain an edge.  Within five minutes, Chicago forward Patrick Sharpe scored his 26th goal of the year on a power play putting one past Jonas Gustavsson.  However, the Wings didn’t back down to the Defending Stanley Cup Champions.  77 seconds later, a  snap shot between the hash marks by D-Man Kyle Quincey tied it back up at 3.  Later in the period, the Red Wings took the lead over the Hawks thanks to the gritty fore-checking of Justin Abdelkader.  Abby beat a Hawk’s defenseman to the corner, dug the puck out and fed  it to Hank in front of the net. Hank slid a perfectly timed pass to Gustav Nyquist who put one past Corey Crawford to take a 4-3 lead.

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Entering the third period, Detroit looked to maintain the slim 4-3 lead, hoping to avoid another OT/Shootout.  Unfortunately, The Black Hawks were capitalized rather quickly by intercepting a terrible pass by Wing’s defenseman Brendan Smith, scoring  another game tying goal.  The 3rd period finished out with several close calls, but once again The Wings found themselves heading into another all too familiar overtime scenario.

After the quick five minute overtime period, the Red Wings and Black Hawks were still tied up and headed into another dreaded shootout.  The Wings having a 3-2 advantage courtesy of goals by Eaves, Bertuzzi, and the now healthy “speedster” Darren Helm, were set up for the potential upset .  Chicago’s Andrew Shaw was lined up to take possibly the final shot for Chicago and came down the center of the shooting directly at Gustavsson, allowing for an easy save and a big win for the Red Wings.

Now the Wings look to face new divisional foe’s, the Montreal Canadians  and the Florida Panthers to finish off their home stand this weekend.  At this point of this  “rocky” season for the Wings, each game must be played out of desperation in order to maintain their hopes of a 23rd straight post-season appearance.  Us fans have been on a roller coaster ride all season long with this team, but after last night’s victory it is reassuring that the Wings can still compete with some of the best teams in the NHL, even with a depleted roster.  With the combination of the speed of their youngsters, smart play of the veterans, and some grit delivered by third/fourth liners, the Red Wings should be able to make their presence be known in the East. The health of this team is imperative if this team is to make  noise down the stretch.

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JUST WING’IN IT: HOME SWEET HOME, WINGS LOOK TO REBOUND ON UPCOMING 5 GAME HOME STRETCH.

contribution by P. Giannosa

Wings vs. Kings Preview

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After a tough road loss versus Henrik Lundqvist and The New York Rangers this past Thursday, The Detroit Red Wings look to hopefully bounce back with a Much Needed home win against the L.A. Kings tonight at Joe Louis Arena. Tonight’s game will also be showcasing two of our U.S. Olympic Team’s top goaltenders being pitted against each other fighting for the starting position in Sochi, Russia next month. To Back Track really quick, exactly one week ago The Wings shut down the The Kings and netted three goals on goaltender Jonathan Quick, finishing with a 3-1 win at the Staples Center.

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The Kings have established themselves as one of the NHL’s best teams over the past couple seasons due to them Winning the Stanley Cup as an 8th seed in 2011 and then making it to the Western Conference finals last year losing to the soon to be 2012 Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks. Even with all the recent success the Kings have been having, The Red Wings have actually dominated them in the last four head-to-head matchups by winning four straight. The Wings also seem to have netminder Jonathan Quick’s number who is the just 1-6 against Detroit with a not-so-great 3.62 Goals Against Average.

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However it doesn’t seem to be getting much better for The Red Wings. The team has been Shutout their last two games and are still short handed with many of their players being out with Injuries. The most notable loss of Datsyuk, who did not play on their road trip out West being out with a lower body injury, has been a Major Low Blow especially in Scoring for The Wings. Thankfully Jimmy Howard has stepped up his play as of late with a 1.91 Goals Against Average over his past five games, but yet he still lets in those Soft/Easy goals from time to time (Howard played great in New York this past Thursday however let in a Very Weak goal in with 5 minutes to go in the third period letting a potential Big OT Win/Point(s) slip away with the loss).

With a sense of desperation being felt here in Hockeytown, The Struggling Wings need to come out fast and strong in order to get to Quick quickly so they continue their dominance against the Hockey team of Hollywood. Finally, this matchup should be very exciting for both Wings Fans as well as other hockey fans. The 6th best team in the West against a Playoff Hopeful younger Red Wing team should lead to a hard fought, gritty game that the Wings are desperate to capitalize in.

Detroit Red Wings v Anaheim Ducks - Game Seven

AINT NO PARTY LIKE A DETROIT PARTY, CAUSE A DETROIT PARTY DONT STOP

Contribution by M. Jones

Recently I received a request from a fan of the blog named Scott M. who supplied an idea for a new post.  The idea was simply – If you had to party with one Detroit athlete, who would it be?  I thought about it, and many bud light platinums later, made the idea come to real life Pinocchio style.  Given that we are the Motown Meltdown and I have dedicated recent posts to national basketball topics, i said simply – ‘Fuck it, I’ll do it live!’ [See video below for reference]

*I suggest enjoying the whole video, but the 1:00 minute mark is where it heats up

Starting with the rosters of all the major teams, i was able to cut it down to 24 people.  Given the un-tournament-friendly number, i decided 8 people (2 from each team) get a bye automatically based on merit in a celebrity death match style breakdown. [Each player listed includes the person’s most likely drink of choice]

Byes:

1 – Todd Bertuzzi – Detroit Red Wings – A no brainer, Todd is an OG.  From the missing teeth proving he parties hard as hell, to the bad ass aggression he shows on the ice.  Just a real easy pick here.  Met this dude in Nashville one day last summer for a bachelor party at a bar and he was a boss rocking a Jimmy Hendrix tee.  Pounded a few brews, took pictures with the bachelor and even offered some of his grizzly tin to the crew.  An early favorite to go deep into the tourney. – Jack Daniels

2 – Miguel Cabrera – Detroit Tigers – This man was bold enough to get pulled over on a DUI and THEN take a pull in front of the cop.  As long as he keep pulling the ball 400 yards over the outfield wall, no harm done in my eyes.

3 – Dominic Raiola – Detroit Lions – Drink of choice is an entire case of miller lite.  Dom can no doubt hold his own.  A ticking time bomb and very ready to regulate the party Warren G style.

4 – Victor Martinez – Detroit Tigers – Fully anticipating this guy to be a wild card, he may swing on multiple people before the night is over.  It doesn’t take much to get victor angry:

Imagine him with a fifth of Avion in his system.

5 – Brandon Jennings – Detroit Pistons – Jennings definitely brings the aggressiveness to the party.  He was punched out by The Game (rapper) before this past season in a confrontation at a bar in Cali. Who doesn’t want to see a good drunk fight? – Hennessey

6 – Johan Franzen – Detroit Red Wings – I am thinking this guy could drink a DANGEROUS amount of Svedka.  Step up to the plate bitches.

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7 – Nick Fairley – Detroit Lions – Someone take his keys when he enters the door, Nick is ready to rage at all times.  He is likely to do something that makes the whole party stop and look down on him in disapproval, and then all of a sudden he will totally redeem himself – Drink of Choice is Patron.

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8 – Kyle Singler – Detroit Pistons – Everyone wants someone at the party they can group hate chant for being a puss.  Enter Kyle Singler. – Drink of choice: Sex in the Bucket (The bucket man puts a strange twist on the sex on the beach drink).

Elimination Round:

9 – Ndamukong Suh – Detroit Lions – Ready in case the cable guy or the Po Po’s show up.  He is not willing to talk nice – Soco 100 Proof.

24 – Phil Coke – Detroit Tigers – I said drink of choice, right?  Substance of choice exception…judges vote No.  Ok, Captain Morgan.  The party would vote him off quick.

Winner – After a weird amount of Soco 100, there is little doubt what this man couldn’t do.  In this matchup, he body slams Phil into a season long injury making Tigers fans rejoice for the 2014 season.

10 – Josh Smith – Detroit Pistons – Did someone mention The Game?  As The Game said in a song off his last album: ‘Red phantom, they say I look like Josh Smith from Atlanta
I do, hachoo, excuse you, that ***** look like me!’  Ahhh what a passion for the art of music. – Old English 40 ozs.  Playing his own game of Edward 40 hands.

23 – Andy Dirks – Detroit Tigers – This guy is the candidate for the one who will want to play acoustic guitar all night.  Eventually someone will JJ Jeff Jarret his ass though.

http://youtu.be/bT2o3Q7QCNc [Youtube would not let me embed, but i promise it is worth your time]

Don’t expect Andy to win this challenge or start in LF more than 80 games.  – Natural Lite

Winner – In a surprise upset, Andy pulls the upset and lulls the J Smooth to sleep with a ballad from Mumford and Suns before delivering the knockout blow.

12 – Joique Bell – Detroit Lions – Every party is better with some Naughty by Nature.  Joique is a spark plug and hype man for the party.  Hope him and V Mart aren’t partners in pong, with this kind of hype man Victor may swing on someone by 10 pm.  – Atwater beer, reppin the D hard.

22 – Gustav Nyquist – Detroit Red Wings – The wildcard of the tourney, with a name like Gustav a spot in the tourney is an easy decision.  Would be curious to see him and the mule go at it in a Svedka challenge. – Also Svedka

Winner – Do not underestimate the Svedka.  While Joique is celebrating, Gustav goes all villain in ’24’ on him and advances.

13 – Mikel Leshoure – Detroit Lions – This one’s for all the smokers.

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Mikel is sipping water all night but on Mars at the party.

21 – Andre Drummond – Detroit Pistons – Doesn’t seem like a great person to party with but he brings the celebs and TMZ coverage with his ICarly connection.

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The physics of the intercourse for that relationship just aint right. – Busch Lite (He’s under age and Sheed bought his booze for him)

Winner – Andre hits curfew and has to go home.  Mikel is rollin until the sunrise onto the second round.

15 – Luigi Datome – Detroit Pistons the ‘Mr. Steal Yo Girl 2014’. GiGi is gonna bring the hoes no diggity. – Wine

20 – Justin Abdelkader – Detroit Red Wings – Not far removed from the campus over in East Lansing.  That gets the young gun a spot on the list.  Can’t wait to see what he lights on fire. – Keg beer directly in the gullet, college style.

Winner – Although Gi got the hoes, Justin has the younger kidneys and prevails.

16 – Joseph Fauria – Detroit Lions – Another wild card to the mix.  The white guy who will dance like a maniac to all the jams.  I bet he knows every move to the cupid shuffle and the cha cha slide.  – Moonshine

19 – Will Bynum – Detroit Pistons – Just to piss people off in pong as Will ‘The Thrill’ refuses to stop shooting or dropping the ball in his own cup (known as the pong turnover) – Margaritas, hey he is a tiny guy.

Winner – As Fauria is celebrating, not realizing his year is falling to complete shit….pause, stop lions rant, continue….Will wins just to keep pissing readers off.

17 – Nate Burleson – Detroit Lions – The calm presence at the party, until the digornos pizza is ready.  At that point, stand clear all bets are off. – Sailor Jerry’s Rum

18 – Charlie Villanueva – Detroit Pistons – In case the crowd gets bored of taunting Singler, Charlie V is in the wings.  You know this dude is into some weirdddd shit. – Smirnoff Ice, he doesn’t know why everyone keeps laughing at him.

Winner – Charlie V is winning the battle until the party, on cue, turns on him in chorus for an epic ‘hate’ chant.  Flawless victory and Nasty Nate moves on closer to pizza time.

18 – Don Kelly – Detroit Tigers – The utility man at the party.  Weird he keeps asking where Jim Leyland is, right?  Must be a real security blanket to him.  This guy can do many things including; drive everyone to taco bell at 2:30 am, clean up after the party and hit .220. – O’Douls

19 – Durham, Kris – Detroit Lions – The back up for Donny Kelly Baby for the T Bell run in case he is faking a buzz of the O’Douls. – Burnetts

Winner – This is the battle of mediocrity.  In a stunning twist of events, there is a double knockout.  Both people fall simultaneously…and in steps KID ROCK.

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Wow with that double elimination knock out, what will happen?  In the spirit of the MTV real world challenge show the show must go on.  Celebrity shot in the truest form. The man from the Motown, who has undoubtedly made some chicks meltdown, kicks in the door ready to step up! – Bad Ass Beer

Sweet 16

1 – Todd Bertuzzi – Detroit Red Wings

69 – Kid Rock 

Winner – Todd was cruising into the second round before the double knockout.  After that happened all bets were off.  Eventually Kid Rock starts singing country music and loses the still heavy pistons and foreign red wings/tigers crowd and momentum shifts to Bertuzzi who moves on. 

2 – Miguel Cabrera – Detroit Tigers

17 – Nate Burleson – Detroit Lions

Winner – Nate approaches Miggy in a friendly manner and offer to shake his hand, in a second Miguel backhand smacks him and calls him a ‘mericon’.  Nate will not get his pizza at this party.  Miggy moves on.

3 – Dominic Raiola – Detroit Lions

19 – Will Bynum – Detroit Pistons

Winner – After will the thrill has annoyed the entire party, Dom stone cold stunners the most annoying party guest into a victory.

4 – Victor Martinez – Detroit Tigers

20 – Justin Abdelkader – Detroit Red Wings

Winner – It was a nice run by the young gun, but V Mart is too wild for me to kick out of the party right now.  He and Miggy are on a Latin American collision course. 

5 – Brandon Jennings – Detroit Pistons

13 – Mikel Leshoure – Detroit Lions

Winner – Although Jennings can barely stand, the party finds out that Leshoure went to taco bell with DK and Durham once they woke up and he is eliminatedThat commercial for the stuffed nachos looked so good, on a side note they are F’n delicious.

6 – Johan Franzen – Detroit Red Wings

22 – Gustav Nyquist – Detroit Red Wings

Winner – And the Swedish showdown we all wanted begins.  By the end of the half gallon of Svedka it is a real shit show.  The crafty veteran screens the beer pong table and then quickly moves, Gustav runs through the table and loses the match after ejection by V Mart.

7 – Nick Fairley – Detroit Lions

23 – Andy Dirks – Detroit Tigers

Winner – What the hell?  Who gave Dirks another guitar? Does he have an amp too?  God damnit.  Fairley goes for the headshot and misses into the shark tank and has to undergo concussion tests.  By default, Andy moves on.

8 – Kyle Singler – Detroit Pistons

9 – Ndamukong Suh – Detroit Lions

Winner – No explanation needed, Singler tries to confuse suh by asking him the cosign of X and then there’s a Donkey Kong smash.  Hey at this rate, the police are probably coming so we need all the enforcers we can have.

Quarters

1 – Todd Bertuzzi – Detroit Red Wings

9 – Ndamukong Suh – Detroit Lions

Winner – A true battle in the trenches.  Eventually the cops finally show up, Suh confronts them starts stomping innocent people and is arrested.  Victory for Todd.

2 – Miguel Cabrera – Detroit Tigers

23 – Andy Dirks – Detroit Tigers

Winner – There is no doubt in my mind, a drinking challenge between these two has occurred previous to this day.  Andy is now out of guitars and creating instruments out of brooms and household tools McGruber style.  All of a sudden, as the refs back is turned in true WWF fashion, Dave Dombroski hits Dirks with the steel chair and Miggy moves on.

3 – Dominic Raiola – Detroit Lions

6 – Johan Franzen – Detroit Red Wings

Winner – Raiola is now a case deep and Johan a half gallon in.  A very drunk scene is occurring.  Kid Rock wakes up and goes back into ‘Bawitaba’ and shit hits a dangerous level.   Franzen hits Dom with a big right hand and game over.  He finds a spot into the semis.

4 – Victor Martinez – Detroit Tigers

5 – Brandon Jennings – Detroit Pistons

Winner – Jennings is now declaring himself king of the world, but V Mart don’t play those games and taps him on the shoulder with a distraction asking him ‘is that the Game over there?’  Jennings turns around shook and gets knocked out.  V Mart is making a serious run at the finals.

Semis

1 – Todd Bertuzzi – Detroit Red Wings

4 – Victor Martinez – Detroit Tigers

Winner – After a night of bullying the crowd, Bertuzzi tosses in a fat chaw and steps to the man who is yelling at him in gibberish.  Todd goes at his knee and finds V Marts weakness.  After applying the Ken Shamrock leg twist, he advances to the finals. 

2 – Miguel Cabrera – Detroit Tigers

6 – Johan Franzen – Detroit Red Wings

Winner – Rod Allen shows up to interview Johan.  Johan, very drunk and confused, is distracted and Miggy pulls out the bat. Let’s Rod toss him a few softballs and hits a HR to center field.  Then he walks the bases and stares down Bertuzzi.

Finals

1 – Todd Bertuzzi – Detroit Red Wings

2 – Miguel Cabrera – Detroit Tigers

Analysis:

Let’s look at these guys’ track records –

Cabrera when arrested in 2011 allegedly told a sheriff deputy to “(expletive) shoot me. Kill me,” after being instructed to drop to his knees.  This guy does not give one single fuck.

Bertuzzi when charged in 2004 with assault – If the case would have gone to the Supreme Court in Canada (which has to be an odd place) the charge could have carried a maximum 10-year prison sentence. It did not, so luckily we have Bert on the ice currently.

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Both guys do not care about a court room or jail cell clearly.  On a side note, after reviewing the cases again it really is amazing how easily sports fans forgive complete maniacs as long as they are good on the field/ice.

After all the classic battles above, it comes down to this, who is the best star of the two?  Well, hands down it is Miggy.  Cabrera will go down as one of the best players in his sport of all time.  With that comes great stories and entertainment for hours at a party, even if we all need a translator to understand his punch lines.

ULTIMATE PARTY CHAMP: MIGUEL CABRERA